You guys, fall is my jam. For the past decade and a half, fall has meant two things: fashion and TV. Throughout the month of September, my social media newsfeeds become flooded with reports from various fashion weeks, and my DVR works on overdrive to make sure I’m watching all the new shows. Likewise, I become overwhelmed with evaluating what’s on store shelves, assembling my own home displays, and making decisions about which shows will stay and which I’ll cancel from my own personal network.
But this year is different. Sure, I’m still doing my customary fall homework. (J.Crew’s catalog has me wanting to run through the streets of Amsterdam in stripes and a long military coat. And they’re doing cherries. Current/Elliott is still doing overpriced basics that I most assuredly need in my life. Dior nail polish in Minimal is that creamy beige I’ve been dreaming of. Tom Ford has a new lip duo that I haven’t managed to acquire yet. And they’re making $250 candles. And Le Labo has brought back the city exclusives. Phew, done.) And I’m still watching all the new TV shows as if I’m a network exec. (I’ve already canceled Notorious, but I’m picking up This is Us and Designated Survivor. And speaking of survivors, I’m watching Survivor for the first time ever, because they’re doing Millennials vs. Gen-X, so I had to.)
This year is different, though. Sure, I’m still lusting after that sweatshirt by The Great, because it has splatter paint. And sure, I bought a set of mini Diptyque candles so that I could sample a bunch and figure out which will be my signature scent (it’s Tuberose). But this year my default channel (I accidentally typed it as “Chanel,” so it’s a process) is CNN instead of HGTV, and I’m far more excited about Monday night’s debate than I am about Tuesday’s in-store new arrivals. This year, my fall season is less about what the networks picked up from pilot season and more about what the press picks up from the campaign trail. Every year has been the same for me, but this year it’s a different kind of fall.
This year, it seems that the new fall trend is health, or lack thereof. Instead of making like a new year’s resolution and contemplating a healthy lifestyle, it’s become far more trendy to focus on the failing health both of our country and our candidates. Instead of taking to the bed when sick, our country has taken to the streets in violent protest and attack. Our candidates, too, have been making headlines with their health.
Donald Trump produced a doctor’s note declaring him the most healthy person like ever, and everybody says so. He also went on Dr. Oz to reveal more notes from said doctor and discuss the fact that, yes, he’s a little chubby. (He also talked about how he eats primarily fast food, because you know what they’re putting in it, and I can’t even begin to address that logic, because there’s none there. That said, one imagines that a richie rich could easily hire a personal chef, and the fact that Donald Trump thinks that it’s entirely possible that his personal chef would hate him and try to poison him makes me think that he fancies himself a medieval king. Paranoid delusion is probably the most creative excuse anyone has ever had for eating exclusively McDonalds. “We’re building a wall; I can’t eat tacos,” is probably what he says to Melania every night. And how meta is it that Trump is so aware of how much people dislike him? Even when he had binders of women, Mitt Romney wasn’t afraid of being poisoned. PS Only a Trump supporter would think of poisoning their opponent’s food.)
On the other side of the aisle, Hillary Clinton has made her health less of a reality show and more of, well, reality. People get sick. It happens. And when it happened to her, she tried to be quiet and professional about it. But now, the new fall reality hit is a 10-second clip of her stumbling after a 9-11 memorial, forcing her to reveal that she had pneumonia.
“Victory!” shouted the Trumpets. For months, they had been trying to start a health fire with only some bamboo like those Millennials I just saw on Survivor. I personally began to experience heat exhaustion as Fox News tirelessly cobbled together theories about her coughing and about that one time that she sat in an armchair that had a pillow on it. Brietbart is now referring to her pneumonia as her “health scare, which forced her to flee a 9-11 memorial.” “Health scare” is foreboding enough, but “flee”? The Democratic nominee FLEEING a 9-11 memorial? Come on. Even CBS wouldn’t pick up that pilot.
Breitbart’s article went on to describe the viral footage, saying, “After video caught Clinton fleeing the 9-11 memorial and being put into a van after appearing to lose consciousness — although she later said she never lost consciousness — her campaign announced she was suffering from pneumonia.” Who cares about the fact of the matter of whether a human being loses consciousness? Just roll the tape one more time and write the story that plays best. Finally, they had a flame that they truly believed they could burn into a voting issue. (Not to be grim, but there’s a Vice President for a reason, and neither of them selected Sarah Palin, so what’s the big deal?)
Now, after thorough research and observation, I need to take a fall moment to talk about the health issue NO ONE is addressing: the fact that Donald Trump cannot turn his head.
In an effort to civilize him, the Trump campaign has put the massive tan man on a teleprompter. For reasons that are beyond my comprehension, there are two telepromters on each side, and he has to switch between them. For reasons that I can only assume are due to some sort of health scare, he cannot turn just his head to the telempromter but instead must turn his entire body. He turns directly toward the teleprompter and waves his tiny hands around as if he and the teleprompter are in an impassioned discussion together about something important like KFC or the optimal setting on a spray tan.
I’ve been trying to solve the riddle of why Donald Trump cannot turn his head for months, and the only answer I’ve come up with is that maybe when they told him that he needed to pivot to become more presidential, he said, “You wanna see me pivot? Just watch! I’ll pivot in every speech I give.”
So, here we are, friends. Another fall season of stripes and plaids for me. Another season of terrible and brilliant TV. And the latest reality competition show, The Health Scare. It’s a season like no other, and my advice is that you get a flu shot, as these health issues are taking us all down. So, grab yourself a cozy blanket and a pumpkin spice latte, because it’s going to be a great fall.