America’s Next Trump Model

You know that thing where it’s a holiday weekend, and you really just want to take a moment off? And maybe you’ve had guests in town, and you’re also doing some housework that you’ve been putting off for 6 months? And maybe it’s also going to be a really big TV night, because CNN is running a 2-hour Hillary Clinton documentary followed by a 2-hour Donald Trump documentary? And let’s not pretend you’re not going to watch Bachelor in Paradise, because, duh, it’s finale week? And on top of all that, Comedy Central is doing a roast of Rob Lowe?

But the world gets sleepy on a holiday Monday, everyone relishing the fact that there’s one more “weekend” day to do all the weekend relaxing you weren’t able to do. And you turn on CNN and see that both candidates are allowing press on their planes and holding informal interviews with them, and Donald Trump, man of the people, is strolling through a fair in Ohio, shaking hands along the way, and even though they’re only white hands, you take a moment and sigh to yourself, because it looks like this peaceful holiday Monday may be the day when the world starts to look a bit normal and when you’ll even finally learn how to meditate. Yes, this holiday Monday will be your day of zen.

So, it’s time to pop in that new meditation DVD or choose which of the 8 new books on mindfulness you’d like to start, and nothing will get in the way of your newfound appreciation for quiet practice, because today you are living on borrowed time.

There’s something about borrowed time that I’ve always cherished above all others. It’s like knowing a secret. It’s like getting a really good deal, a two-for-one of sorts. You’re getting something of benefit to you, but you’re not really paying for it. Some call that a deal; others call it a loophole.

And speaking of loopholes, Donald Trump, master hole himself, has made a vague claim that he’s the best one to unloop the holes, because he knows best where they reside. He’s basically open about the fact that he can find the deal, the discount, the loophole, that allows him to do things that ride that line between illegal and disgusting-but-still-permissible.

So, for today’s serving of disgusting but likely to settle out of court we turn to every young, foreign, beautiful girl’s beacon of light: Trump Model Management.

According to, “Trump Models is the brainstorm and vision of owner, Donald Trump.” I can only assume Kayleigh McEnany, the girl who never met a word she didn’t want to define or put in a sentence, wrote this description, because it’s basically just a wasteful way of saying, “Donald Trump owns it.” However…it is the “brainstorm” of Donald Trump??? I’m going to need to make like Kayleigh (or my teenage, mid-90s, debate champ self) and hit the dictionary on this one.

Merriam Webster defines “brainstorm” as “an idea that someone thinks of suddenly,” OR “a temporary state of confusion: a period of unclear thinking.” So, Trump Models is claiming itself to be an idea Donald Trump thought of suddenly. By Merriam Webster’s definition, it could also have come into being during Trump’s temporary state of confusion, but in this case I’m not sure Merriam Webster is to be trusted, because nothing about this period of unclear thinking seems temporary.

So, although Kayleigh has made it common practice on CNN to cite Merriam Webster, I’m finding myself to be in something of a brainstorm, so I’ll need to look for other sources. Oxford Dictionaries defines “brainstorm” as, “a spontaneous group discussion to produce ideas and ways of solving problems.” Well, that sounds more like it! We already know that when in need of solutions, Donald Trump turns to his best advisor, his brain, and maybe consults John Barron (Trump’s pseudonym) or John Miller (Trump’s other pseudonym), so it’s entirely possible that this WAS a group discussion. And the problem that needed solving was this: how do we legitimize the fact that we’re storing 11 beautiful, young, foreign women in the basement?

Oh, yes, there it is, folks: the end of my zen. Suddenly the photo of Anthony Weiner’s you-know-what next to his small child seems so yesterday. Remember when Trump lied about not talking about who would pay for his beloved wall? So August! Now, we’re finding out that the man who spews hate about the immigrants illegally crossing the southern border was once the man aiding in the very same activity along any other border but south. Mother Jones reported that Trump exploited an immigration loophole in order to bring foreign models into the U.S. on tourist visas. They were therefore working illegally while living in constant fear of deportation by guys like, well, current Trump. But late 90s/early 2000s Trump generously coached the young models to lie to immigration officers in exchange for a fee that ate up most of their modeling salary. Oh, and yes, they also lived in bunk-beds in the basement.

During the campaign, Trump has said multiple times that the deportation forces will begin work within the first hour that he’s in office. (To be fair, the deportation of illegal immigrants who commit a crime is already in effect, so, yes, that work will continue during the first hour of any presidency.) Although he has referenced the need to find the illegal immigrants first, he has also said that it can occur within his first hour, because he knows where they are. Well, sure, if you’re hiding them yourself in a basement in the East Village, then, yeah, I guess you can find them within the hour.

But maybe I’m being too hard on the guy. Maybe he was just trying to give these girls a chance? I mean, he even made one his wife. So, maybe this is that “other Trump” that we’re always hearing about? The nice one? He found innocent (non-Hispanic) girls and helped them live out their big dreams in the city of bright lights that they could barely see if they were lucky enough to score a top bunk, right? This is hopeful, helpful, softer Trump. After all, this is that same sweet man who boldly gave Tara Conner a second chance. He let her keep her Miss USA title and even defended her against that “disgusting pig Rosie O’Donnell” while also making some inappropriate gay innuendo, so……oh, no! It IS the same Trump we’ve all come to know!

As if storing illegal immigrants in the basement weren’t enough of a crime against humanity, around this same time Donald Trump and MTV presented a reality show: The Girls of Hedsor Hall (and I’m pretty sure I watched it, because is there one I haven’t watched?). The show was originally developed for Fox and titled Lady or a Tramp, although I can’t imagine why that name never caught on (or why that’s not the subtitle for this 2016 election). Trump’s version of VH1’s Charm School, The Girls of Hedsor Hall shipped 12 misbehaving young ladies off to a British boarding school for refinement. (Of course he outsourced the labor!) On June 12, 2007, Variety reported that casting called for “rude and crude party girls” and “younger women who are 18-30, love to party and full of attitude.” In the same article, Donald Trump offered this message of hope: “We are all sick and tired of the glamorization of these out-of-control young women, so I have taken it upon myself to do something about it. I am creating a real-life version of ‘My Fair Lady’ with my company Trump Productions. This show is all about getting a second chance and transforming for the better; the idea is genius and the show will be huge.”

And there’s our guy. These poor disasters of young women don’t win anymore. He’s going to turn that around. He’s going to make them great again. And it’s going to be huge.

But here’s the thing: it wasn’t huge. It lasted one 8-episode season.

That is my moment of Monday zen. He will do for America what he did for the ladies of Hedsor Hall. He will create a stir. He will use foul language to describe women. He will not mention the fact that he’s employing illegal immigrants. And after one unsuccessful season, it will all be over, and we won’t have to hear any more from that loop-hole. At least I hope that’s how this reality show plays out, because if not, I find myself in a brainstorm.

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