How to Get Elected 5th Grade Class President

  1. Make a 10-point plan and present it as a numerical list. Do not get clever or creative with your language. This is not a work of art. This is a list. Lists make you sound really smart and have the added benefit of demonstrating to everyone that you can count to 10. Make sure to start your list presentation with the following question: “Are you ready?” Also, when you get to one of the points, maybe 3, say this thing that sounds really coherent: “This is the one I think it’s so great it’s hard to believe people don’t even talk about it.”
  2. Pledge to give a brand new speech, one that no one has ever heard before, one that will reveal your brilliant and original plot to restore your class to a time when it was great, to a time when students didn’t have the right to choose which book to report on but rather were all just writing reports on Animal Farm. Pledge to present a detailed approach for said greatness and get everyone to cancel their peanut-butter-and-jelly plans and come listen to you instead. Spend a year saying really terrible things, like, “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.” Then, convince everyone that you are softening and that you aren’t going to say more things like that.
  3. But then surprise them when you just go ahead and say all of them again! Maybe try something terrifying like this: “We also have to be honest about the fact that not everyone who seeks to join our country will be able to successfully assimilate. Sometimes it’s just not gonna work out. It’s our right as a sovereign nation to choose immigrants that WE think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us.” Yes! Let the 5th graders choose who deserves to be in 5th grade! They have to think like us and dress like us and talk like us in order to join our classroom. Otherwise, they’re probably criminals! And better yet, go ahead and imply that some of those “criminal aliens” are in your classroom now!
  4. This is very important. If anyone accuses you of softening, show them how wrong they are by shouting. Replace The Softening with The Shouting.
  5. Use words that get your friends riled up. Encourage them to cheer or boo as much and as loudly as possible. And make sure these are code words that the teacher won’t understand. One of those code words could be a year, like 1965. Simply mention this year in your speech, and your friends will know you’re referring to the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965, which abolished the immigration quotas set in 1924 that favored northern and western Europeans. Look, they already knew what “Make America Great Again” meant, but now they will know specifically that “again” means “before 1965.”
  6. Make sure your friends boo whenever you say your opponent’s name, and maybe hit her with a really biting (and also coherent) insult, like, “The administration that causes this horrible horrible thought process it’s called Hillary Clinton.” And then do that thing where you circle your finger around the side of your head as if to indicate your opponent is stupid or cuckoo. Additionally, if you feel the crowd losing interest, hit them with an unrelated list of things to remember, like the 2nd Amendment or Supreme Court justices.
  7. Promise something that is not within your power to give, like a pizza party….or a wall. {Seriously, I haven’t heard this much talk of a wall since I was in a production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream.} Make the 4th graders pay for the pizza. But don’t let them have any pizza. And while you eat the pizza, shout about how you’re making 4th graders pay for the pizza.
  8. Employ cool tactics like a deep, loud nasal inhale between sentences or a serpentine motion with your hands every time you describe a tunnel. And if there’s a point in the middle of your speech when everyone is applauding, hit them with this awesome profile shot:
    Screen Shot 2016-09-01 at 8.18.23 PM
    Photo of CNN taken by Rachel Lowe
  9. Get your friends to tweet about your speech afterward. Have former KKK leader David Duke call your speech “excellent.” Have Jared Taylor, editor of the white nationalist publication American Renaissance, call it a “hell of a speech. Almost perfect. Logical, deeply felt, and powerfully delivered.” And finally, have someone of stature, like class clown Ann Coulter, heap praise upon you: “I hear Churchill had a nice turn of phrase, but Trump’s immigration speech is the most magnificent speech ever given.”
  10. If people are accusing you of being unappealing to women, bring a bunch of women up on the stage at the end of your speech. Forcefully and awkwardly kiss each one of them the same way you tried to kiss your running mate.

    Extra credit: if your speech is going to be televised on CNN, make sure it’s during a time that was originally scheduled for a special on Presidential runners-up.

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