Finding Statler a Waldorf

“What did you do this weekend?”


I hate that question. Hate it. And I get it every Monday. Getting coffee. Getting groceries. “What did you do this weekend?”


And I always offer a half-smile with the same answer: “Oh, nothing special.”


But that’s not true! I spend my very special weekends doing exactly what I do on the weekdays, except on the weekends there is, well, slightly less guilt about it. I sport my favorite matching jammie set, I decide between bed or couch, and I pull up the DVR list to see if I can get it down to 50% (I never do).


This weekend, though, was different. I finally have an answer, and no one even asked the question. Please ask me, because I want to shout it out.


“This weekend, I found Jeffrey Lord’s friends!”


For all this time, CNN’s Jeffrey Lord has struck me as a lonely island, a sad man who looks Einstein enough that I think he’ll be smart, a man who spent the entirety of the Republican National Convention pointing out if there was a black man on the stage and then looking to Van Jones (the black man in the room) for an allegedly deserved pat on the back, a man desperately clinging to the fact that the Republican Party (of Lincoln) freed the slaves and therefore cannot be racist, a man who could potentially make a home with Kayleigh McEnaney, but for reasons I care not to imagine but will likely explore later, they still haven’t had their meet-cute.


Jeffrey Lord, I feared, was alone. He had wandered away from his cantankerous cohort on the Muppet Show balcony and found himself lost in the world of reasonable CNN minds.


But then I did something I thought I’d never do and stumbled upon the waiting room of a Statler and Waldorf casting session. I found a land filled with crotchety, lumpy, white men. They looked like Jeffrey Lord. They talked like Jeffrey Lord. I found them! I found Fox News.


I can’t explain why I did it, but now I can’t look away. It’s a world where science doesn’t exist, where the phrase “liberal media” unironically creeps into every sentence, where Trump speaks the language of the people, and where golden lighting shines down on the panelists, making them glow in that Trumpy orange. And I swear they choose the most unflattering photos of Hillary Clinton and show them in black and white, as if they’re teeing them up for a repeat of the Heidi Cruz retweet.


And while I was happy to find a home for clown-headed Jeffrey, I was surprised to discover that this Fox News network I’d heard about wasn’t the plethora of doughy white men I expected. Rather, I was surprised to find just the opposite: young men and women, seemingly attractive and relatable….until they begin speaking. The women talk about being out at the bar with their girlfriends, and then the men make fun of them or comment on what they’re wearing, and the women pout and giggle but still manage to squeak out an insult to the Democrats that makes me rewind and rewatch in horror. They make “jokes,” like “fighting climate change is hard work” as a critique of Obama’s vacation. I’m guessing that this particular host (I’m not learning names, but this one was a conservative man’s Zachary Levi who made my skin crawl when he attempted to make a case against Hillary’s health) was trying his probably small hand at sarcasm, given that it was immediately followed by a collar-popping lesson on Martha’s Vineyard.


Honestly, look, I couldn’t do a lot of research here. When I’m on CNN, and there’s just one representative of what is admittedly a new world for me, I’m ok. I can embrace the strange and almost sad that is Jeffrey Lord. Sometimes I even giggle like a Fox News girl when he shocks me with his analysis and expert ability to tie everything back to Trump good/Hillary bad. Nonetheless, I’m glad I found him some friends. But it was hard to watch Fox News for very long. I’ll see if I can do better next weekend.


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